If God wants you to be first

At the Ashram I ran 100 metres in 11.7 seconds. One disciple is defending me like a lawyer — he is saying that I could have gone faster, but I ran barefoot on a cinder track.

The second time I became decathlon champion, the Ashram blessed me with long-jump shoes. Somebody had given them to the Ashram for whoever would become champion. Since I became champion, I got those long-jump shoes with spikes. I could not use them! It was too difficult for me.

The first and second times I became champion, I got a real gold medal — all gold. On it was embossed a turtle, or what I called a tortoise. The significance of a turtle is Immortality. According to our Indian standard, I was something in the sports world.

From Tagore’s Shantiniketan, a sprinter came to the Ashram. We had the same time for 100 metres: 11.7. But his position was considered better than mine, so he stood first. Our time was the same, but his upper body bent more than mine, so he got the prize, although my leg came forward. There were all kinds of rules and regulations. They looked at the upper body, the chest. Then, in the 200 metres, I defeated this runner. He was two metres or so behind me.

Before the 200 metres, at least three or four hours’ rest we got. At that time I congratulated him very sincerely.

He said to me, “Did you ever study geometry?”

I said, “A little.”

“No, you have not studied geometry!”

“Why do you say that I have not studied geometry?”

He said, “When you run, you do not run straight. Your toes point slightly towards the right. If your feet had been pointing straight and your toes had been pointing straight, you could easily have defeated me. It is all because you have not studied geometry!”

While I was warming up, he saw me running, and what he said was so true. Many people told me the same thing. My feet did not point straight ahead. They pointed a little towards the right. This fellow told me to correct my footing, but it was too late; I could not correct it. He was such a nice fellow. My toes were not pointing straight; that was why I lost to him, he said. But in 200 metres, in spite of my toe difficulties, I defeated him.

The first time I ran 400 metres, my time was one minute flat. Then I went to 55.2 or so, and then 54. There I remained for years. I ended with 53.6. I do not know my disciples’ timing, but I think three of our boys have defeated me. But 53.6 for 400 metres is not bad! And I started with one minute flat.

In 800 metres, I was fifty or sixty metres behind, or even more. Fifteen hundred metres I used to practise once a year. There was a stupid idea that when you ran that far on your heels instead of on your toes, your sprinting would suffer. Such wonderful theories we had! Now I laugh and laugh at those ignorant theories.

I was good in everything. I was excellent in 100 metres and 400 metres. My worst performance was in 1500 metres. Before 1500 metres came hurdles. All great hurdlers take three strides. Alas, my strides were so short that I used to take five strides instead of three. But I was the fastest sprinter, so somehow, because of my speed, I used to get very good points, although my style was not to my satisfaction.

My long jump was very good, and my shot put was excellent. My discus also was not bad, but when I think of some of my disciples’ discus throws, I just bend my head as much as possible!

If you want to be a very kind-hearted human being, you try to sympathise with others’ sadness, with their suffering. But even if your intention is absolutely sincere and pure, if God does not want to fulfil your sincere desire, what can you do? This will be the last story about my Ashram sports-life today.

In 1959 I had the strongest desire to become last in a race. After being first for so many years, when I used to see people were coming second, third and fourth, although we were all being brought up in the same place, I felt miserable. I said, “Let me have the experience that they have every year. I want to be last.” So what did I do? By that time I had some capacity, or you can say magic power, to give myself fever. Very nicely I gave myself a very high fever. I could not even see properly!

Then I went to the sports ground, which we called the playground. We were supposed to do a warm-up, so that we would not get muscle cramps. I said to myself, “Here is the golden chance. If I do not do the warm-up, then naturally I will get a cramp and fall down. People will sympathise with me and I know I will become last.”

Usually I used to warm up for twenty-five minutes or half an hour, or even more. On that day I did not do a warm-up at all. People were saying, “What are you doing? Why are you not warming up?”

I said, “No, no, no—it is not necessary today.” Perhaps they thought that I had become very haughty, very proud. Without warming up I knew what the result would be. I was able to foresee that somewhere after 30 or 40 metres I would get a cramp and fall down. I was all ready.

The starter said, “Get on your mark, get set, go!” Alas, I do not know how, but something came forward in me, and I ran the fastest! The second runner was six or seven metres behind me. I had no cramp at all! What could I do? I wanted to become a great saint by experiencing the sufferings of the second, third and fourth runners. I did not warm up at all, and I had a high fever.

I said to myself, “You want to become a great saint. You want to experience everybody’s suffering. It is all pre-planned. You are absolutely cocksure that you are going fall down across two lanes and you will be last.” All these things were entering into my mind. I thought that I would really create a sensation. But it did not work! I became first. I will never forget that experience.

Surrender, surrender! Our philosophy is to surrender to God’s Will. If God wants you to be first, well and good. If He wants you to be last, well and good. If you want to be very kind-hearted and self-giving to humanity, that is good. From the spiritual point of view it is very good. But if God does not want you to have an experience of failure, no matter how hard you try, you will not get this experience of failure. Again, if you die to have the experience of success, if you do absolutely everything and you are sure that you will become first, but it is not God’s Will, then you will become last, last.

I shall tell you an amusing incident. A very, very close Russian friend of mine came to visit me. I was at that time over sixty, and he was forty-two. He challenged me to run, and I challenged him! It was a friendly challenge. I was thinking of my golden days when I was sixteen, seventeen or twenty years old. I was invoking those days to get inspiration to run fast. He was laughing because he was only forty-two. Then I asked him if he was a sprinter. Very affectionately he said, “No, no, but it is so easy to defeat you. You are an old man!”

I laughed and said, “All right, I am an old man.”

Again I recalled my golden running days that were buried in oblivion. Since this friend of mine had not been a sprinter, I was sure that I would defeat him, although I was older by many years.

Alas, God smashed my pride! He finished our race two metres ahead of me! I thought that I would defeat him, but God said, “Now the time has come for you to be humble,” so my friend very nicely defeated me.

Once we enter into the spiritual life, we cannot make any decision for ourselves. Once we make our surrender complete, if a stupid desire enters into us to show compassion in our own way or to show off, nothing works, nothing works!

Before we enter into the spiritual life, ambition is a great help. But once we enter into the spiritual life, ambition becomes a great obstacle. Sri Aurobindo said that first ambition is a help, and then it is a hindrance. Ambition has to surrender to aspiration. Now that we are aspiring wholeheartedly to become good citizens of the world, desire-life and ambition-life will make our existence miserable at every moment.

Our aspiration-life is all up to us; others are not involved. It is between ourselves and God. If we sincerely aspire, He will bless us with His inner Light, Peace and Bliss. But if we remain all the time in the desire-world after we have entered into the spiritual life, then we are bound to be miserable.

11 June 2005 Aspiration-Ground Jamaica, New York