God gave me but I have lost

God gave me Joy. But I have lost it. I have lost it because I have made friends with suffering, consciously and wholeheartedly, without His approval.

God gave me Peace. But I have lost it. I have lost it because I have welcomed the restless vital horse to carry me to the worlds beyond. This, too, I have done without God's permission.

God gave me Love, His soulful Love. But I have lost it. I have lost it because, in my utter stupidity, I have discovered and embraced human love, to be the goal of my life. This great discovery has been made by me, by me alone. God has not been invoked to participate in my grand discovery.

God gave me the Truth, His highest Truth. But I have lost it. I have given it, God's Truth, to falsehood unreservedly. Alas! After having greedily accepted God's Truth from me, falsehood mercilessly hates my stupidity, my helpless ignorance. Now I am all alone. My existence is neither in God nor in falsehood, but deep inside my roaring self-annihilation.