Try, you too can laugh

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1. My Name

TEACHER: “What is your name?”

STUDENT: “My name, according to my mother, is Napoleon. My name, according to my father, is Shakespeare. My name, according to my brother, is Jesse Owens. My name, according to my sister, is Leonardo da Vinci. And I call myself Lord Buddha.”

TEACHER: “O Gracious Lord Buddha, you may stop now.”

2. My Father's Name

TEACHER: “What is your father’s name?”

STUDENT: “Unfortunately, I do not exactly know my father’s name. My mother calls him darling. I call him daddy. His friends call him sugar candy. His enemies call him the devil incarnate.”

3. My Mother's Name

TEACHER: “What is your mother’s name?”

STUDENT: “Before I was born, my mother’s name was Mary. I believe, Virgin Mary. But now her name is Mrs. M. Little, Mary of Liverpool.”

4. My Father's Profession

TEACHER: “What does your father do?”

STUDENT: “You mean my father’s profession?”

TEACHER: “Exactly!”

STUDENT: “Well, my father has two professions. During the night, he snores in his bedroom beside mine. During the day, he roars in the kitchen right in front of my poor mother."

5. My Mother's Profession

TEACHER: “What does your mother do?”

STUDENT: “My mother is a strict observer. During the day, she observes my father’s physical inactivities. During the night, she observes my father’s moral activities.”

6. God's Children

STUDENT: “Sir, how many children does God have?”

TEACHER: “Ah, that’s a nice question. Just the other day I asked Mr. God the same question. Mr. God told me that He has countless children. Mrs. God interrupted Him. She said that He was all wrong. According to Her, He has countless children plus one more, and that additional child is Her worse half, God Himself.”

7. Stars And Planets

STUDENT: “How many stars and planets are there in the sky?”

TEACHER: “First of all, I never had any occasion to enter into the sky. What is worse, you are asking me a question which can only be answered at night. Now what you and I can see, as it is daytime, is the sun, blazing sunshine; the stars and planets are sleeping now. I simply can’t disturb their sleep. ‘Sleep, babies, sleep. When you wake up, I shall count you all unerringly to answer my student’s unpardonable question.’”

8. How Many Suns?

STUDENT: “How many suns are there?”

TEACHER: “There are only two suns. One is the human son-sun who lived for 33 years; the other is the God-Sun who shall forever live."

9. Wife And Husband

WIFE: “Do you want to see God, or do you want to become God?”

HUSBAND: “I do not want to see myself, and who else is God if not the first personal pronoun?”

10. Supreme Goddess

HUSBAND: “How I wish that you could have all the divine qualities of the Supreme Goddess.”

WIFE: “For God’s sake, you fool, if I became the Supreme Goddess, then I could no longer remain your wife. God would then legitimately claim me.”

11. Alarm Clock

HUSBAND: “I hate my alarm clock.”

WIFE: “Why?”

HUSBAND: “Every morning it goes off at eleven and abruptly scares my heart and forcefully enlightens my mind.”

12. Taxi Driver And Pilot

TAXI DRIVER: “Good morning, Mr. Heaven.”

PILOT: “Good evening, Mrs. Earth.”

TAXI DRIVER: “Mr. Heaven, you are a fool; that is why you don’t know how to open your mouth.”

PILOT: “Mrs. Earth, you are a fool; that is why you don’t know how to shut your mouth.”

13. Philosopher And Poet

PHILOSOPHER: “O little brother, touch my feet. I shall teach you all about our God’s Knowledge.”

POET: “O big brother, you touch my heart. I shall teach you all about God’s forgiveness, starting from you and ending with you.”

14. Scientist And Priest

SCIENTIST: “I have looked into Heaven for God. There is no such thing. Your God is not there.”

PRIEST: “You fool, you are looking at the wrong place. You don’t have to go to an eye specialist to adjust your glasses. And leave aside your telescope. My God is right in front of your nose.”

15. Son, Mother And Servant

SON: “Mummy, the priest said that God has created everything. I forgot to ask him who created God.”

MAID: (who happened to be nearby) “Darling, the priest. Only the priest could create God.”

16. Two Fathers

FIRST FATHER: “How do you express your love to your son?”

SECOND FATHER: “Easy! I just give him a dollar every morning and ask him every night if he has saved 90 cents out of this dollar. Right from the beginning, I want my son to be economical. How do you show your affection to your son?”

FIRST FATHER: “I express my love to my son by giving him advice as to how he can live all his life without caring for money.”

17. Theist And Atheist

ATHEIST: “Thank God, I don’t need God.”

THEIST: “Thank God, my experience of hell is over with you, and I don’t have to go to any other hell.”

18. Smoker And Drinker

SMOKER: “No doubt, we have two boats, but we are both heading towards the same destination.”

DRINKER: “No doubt, our boats are heading towards the same destination. But since my boat runs much faster, I shall beat you badly.”

19. Customer And Shopkeeper

CUSTOMER: “Nothing is cheap here in your store.”

SHOPKEEPER: “It has to be so. Since I am dear to everybody, all my belongings cannot be otherwise.”

20. Slow Runner And Fast Runner

SLOW RUNNER: “Why are you running so fast towards God?”

FAST RUNNER: “I am running so fast because I want to experience God’s Pride in me. Why are you running so slowly?”

SLOW RUNNER: “I am running so slowly towards God because I want to experience God’s Patience and experience His Compassion for me, if He has any.”

21. . Dog And Horse

DOG: “I am faithful to my master; that is why my master loves me.”

HORSE: “I am faithful to my master; that is why my master rides on me.”

22. Monkey And Rabbit

MONKEY: “My boss works very hard. He needs and deserves some sort of amusement. That is why I do all kinds of tricks.”

RABBIT: “My boss too works very hard. I run very fast towards him so that, after touching his feet, I can unburden some of his heavy load.”

23. Bull And Lamb

LAMB: “O Bull, give me your strength to threaten and strengthen the world. Unfortunately, the world has become so rotten.”

BULL: “O Lamb, give me your mildness to better the world. The world is cotton; I wish to transform it into wool.”

24. Cow And Duck

COW: “I have my reason to be proud. My milk is next to nectar.”

DUCK: “My beauty is next to Urvashi’s beauty. I too have every reason to be proud.”

25. Lion And Cat

LION: “I need your humility. I want to depend on the charity of man. Humility is next door to Divinity.”

CAT: “I need your strength. I want to show man that I am not an object of pity.”

26. Swan And Fish

SWAN: “Human mouths adore you. You are great.

FISH: “Human eyes adore you. You are equally great.”

SWAN: “I love human eyes. They bring my soul to the fore.”

FISH: “I hate human mouths. They bring my body to an end.”

27. Man And God

MAN: “God, why are You so kind?”

GOD: “Son, why are you so blind? Your blindness compels Me to be kind.”

28. Husband, Wife And God

WIFE: “It is so difficult to please my husband. Please tell me how I can please him?”

GOD: “Easy, My child. Tell your husband that he is power incarnate. He will not only be pleased with you, but will touch your feet.”

HUSBAND: “God, how hard I work to please my wife. Yet I cannot please her. Please tell me how I can please her.”

GOD: “Easy, My child. Tell your wife that she is beauty incarnate. You will not only please her, but make her your lifelong slave.”

29. Two Young Boys

FIRST BOY: “Guess what I drank this morning?”

SECOND BOY: “Beer? Whiskey?”

FIRST: “Stop!”

SECOND: “Then what? What did you drink?”

FIRST: “I drank buffalo’s milk. You can’t imagine how delicious it tastes. My mother says that buffalo’s milk is more nourishing than cow’s milk.”

SECOND: “Never! Your mother is a fool!”

FIRST: “My mother is a fool? You know that my mother is going to be the head of a school?”

SECOND: “Do you know why your mother says that the buffalo’s milk is more nourishing?”

FIRST: “I don’t know. Tell me why.”

SECOND: “She just looks like a buffalo.”

FIRST: “Stop! My mother may look like a buffalo, but your mother is a buffalo herself.”

30. Hindu and Muslim

A Hindu and a Muslim were in a bookstore on Fifth Avenue. Both of them were browsing through religious books in the religious section. All of a sudden, the Muslim said to the Hindu: “Krishna Salaam!” Then he placed his hand on his forehead and actually showed the salaam. So with folded hands the Hindu immediately said, “Allah Namaste!”

31. The Difference

The son asked his father: “Father, please tell me if there is any difference between you and my mother?”

The father replied: “Son, there is a great difference between your mother and me. As you know, your mother is an unrecognised incapacity, and I am an unmanifested capacity.”

Then the son asked his mother: “Mother, is there any difference between you and my father?”

“My son, certainly, there is. Your father is in love with himself and I am in love with God. This is the difference.”

The boy then said: “Mother, you are in love with God and Father is in love with himself, and I am in love with Judy. We are all lovers.”

32. . Learning German

“Father, Father, I want to learn German.”

“Son, I don’t approve of it.”

“Why, Father?”

“Son, when I was your age, I tried to learn German. I studied for six months and then I gave up.”

“Why, Father?”

“I gave up because I didn’t want to lose my teeth! If you try to learn German, you will lose all your teeth. Then I will not be able to pay the exorbitant bills that the dentist will send us to give you a set of false teeth. So, son, don’t learn German. My advice is that, among the non-Germans, only the wealthy should learn German.”

33. Hostile Forces

“Mother, are there any hostile forces?”

“My son, before I married your father, I thought that there were no hostile forces. But now I feel that there are hostile forces, and I see that there is one right in my family.”

34. Divine Forces

“Father, are there any divine forces?”

“Yes, my son. Before I married your mother, I thought that your mother was really the best divine force. But to my surprise I see that God forgot to put even an iota of divine force in your mother. God totally forgot. This is very unusual, my son.”

35. Books

“Mother, you are fond of cookbooks, Father is fond of checkbooks and I am fond of notebooks. What about God? Is He fond of any books?”

“Yes, my son, God is fond of judgement books. God is also fond of frustration books, especially when He thinks of your mother, and your mother alone.”

36. Advertisement

An American firm advertised: “Wanted: A Harvard man or equivalent.”

A Yale man wrote to the American firm, saying: “I am most willing to make you happy by condescending to come down to a Harvard man.”

37. Lawyer's Fee

A man came to a lawyer and said: “O lawyer, tell me what fee you want for helping me to get a divorce.”

The lawyer said: “One thousand dollars.”

“One thousand? I didn’t pay even one tenth of that amount to get married.”

The lawyer said: “Look, before you got married you didn’t even have one thorn inside your foot. Now I see that there are at least twenty thorns inside each foot. It takes me a long time to take out one thorn. To take twenty thorns out of each of your feet will be a tremendous task. So my fee is naturally higher than your marriage fee.”

38. Servant And Master

The servant said to the master: “Sir, I am leaving. I am leaving my job.”

The master said: “Why are you leaving your job? Why are you quitting?”

“You order me about all the time as though I were your wife. I can’t bear it. What have I to do with your wife? I am not going to be your wife.”

The servant leaves.

39. The Widower

There were two friends. One friend said to the other:

“How is it that you seem to be so happy nowadays? Previously, you were so unhappy, so miserable.”

“I am so happy nowadays because God has taken my wife to take care of Him.”

“And who is taking care of you?”

“In the morning my conscience takes care of me. At noon my lower vital takes care of me. In the evening my frustration takes care of me, and at night my destruction takes care of me. And the following day, again in the morning, my conscience starts taking care of me.”

40. Priest And Rabbi

A Priest asked a Rabbi: “Please tell me, Rabbi, how can I distinguish between a girl and a boy who has long hair? For, as you know, nowadays boys are also growing their hair long like the girls.”

The Rabbi said: “It is very simple. Ask them both to walk along the street. The one who walks in a more feminine way is the boy, and the one who walks in a more masculine way is the girl.”

41. A Wife's Singing

The wife said to her husband: “How is it that every time I start singing, you leave the house immediately? What is wrong with you?”

“Nothing is wrong with me, but I must say that I am afraid of my friends’ opinion, of my neighbours’ opinion.”

“What do you mean?”

“When you start singing, I wish to tell you that I am compelled to leave the house because you don’t sing at all. You just weep and scream. And what do my neighbours and friends think? They immediately think that I have been thrashing you. I don’t want to lose my reputation. I don’t want to be a bad husband.”

42. The Miser

A real miser saw a sign on the door of a restaurant:

“No tips here. Tips are forbidden here.”

He was very happy to read it. He came into the restaurant and had a wonderful, delicious meal. Then he said to the waitress: “I am so glad that you have mentioned at the door that tips are forbidden here. This is the first time I have seen a restaurant that has that kind of sincere and bold policy.”

The waitress said: “Yes, tips are forbidden. No tips here. True! But where is here? You read the sign at the door, at the entrance, but here on your table you don’t see that kind of notice. So you may revise your opinion. Tips are not required at the entrance, but since America is the land of freedom, you may exercise your freedom wherever you can.”

43. Divorce Court

A husband and wife came to court to get a divorce. The wife said to the judge: “Sir, Your Honourable Sir, he always bothers me. He always calls me, ‘Monkey, Monkey, Monkey!’ And I loathe him for this. Am I a monkey?”

“Why do you call her ‘Monkey'? What right have you to call her ‘Monkey’ all the time? How dare you call her ‘Monkey'!

“Your Honour, pardon me, but would you please allow me to call any monkey my wife?”


Then the wife said: “Since, Your Honour, you have fulfilled his wish, will you also fulfil my wish?”

The judge said, “First of all, I have to hear it.”

“Your Honour, can I call a donkey my husband? If I see any donkey in the street, can I call him my husband?”

“Certainly you can.”

44. Father's Last Advice

“I am so sorry that you have lost your father. He was a very good friend of mine. I feel really sad and miserable that I will not see him anymore on earth. But please tell me, what was his last advice to you?”

“My father’s last advice was the same as his first advice.”

“What was his first advice?”

“As I said, his first and last advice were the same: ‘Don’t listen to your Mother under any circumstances.’”

45. The Worker

“Sir, I have been working so hard. I work like ten persons, yet you do not increase my salary.”

“I am so sorry to hear that. You stay with me. I am most proud of you. But please bring me those other nine rascal workers. I shall just thrash them right in front of you and fire them.”

46. The Lawyer

The client phoned up his lawyer and said: “What is going on? Give me the news.”

The lawyer said: “News? I have great news for you. Truth has at last won. You have lost the case.”

The client said: “I have some good news for you. You are a rascal, your father is a scoundrel, and your grandfather was a jackal, and your great-grandfather was a squirrel.”

47. Married Life

An unmarried man asked his married friend, “Please tell me, before you got married, what kind of conversation did you have with your wife? And now that you are married, what kind of conversation are both of you enjoying?”

“Well, before our marriage, our conversation always started the same way: ‘I wish to hear more, tell me more, more.’ And at the end of the conversation, we also used to say, ‘I wish to hear more, I wish to hear more.’ Now, after the marriage, our conversation starts this way: ‘Shut up!’ And it ends also with the same message: ‘Shut up!'"

48. Soul-Prison

A young man knocked at a door. The lady of the house came out and said: “What can I do for you?”

The man said: “Please do me a favour. Please call up the police and ask them to arrest me.”

“Why, what have you done wrong?”

“I have done something really wrong.”

“What is it?”

“I am in love with your soul. Since your soul is inside your body cage, since it is in a prison, I feel that I also should live in a prison cell, because I don’t want to lead a better life, a freer life than you do. I want to be imprisoned as your soul is imprisoned.”

49. Wristwatch

“What is wrong with you, my dear friend?”

“Nothing special, I have just lost my most expensive wristwatch. I have searched for it everywhere, but now I am really sad. However, it seems to me that I have it in my left pocket.”

“Then, why don’t you get it? Why don’t you search for it?”

“Oh, I am afraid that if I don’t find it there, I will really die.”

“Then, what do you want me to do? Do you want me to look for it, to search for it in your pocket?”

“Yes. I would be most grateful to you, but only on one condition: that if you don’t find it in my pocket, you have to kill yourself as I would have done if I had not found the wristwatch there. Since you are a very good friend of mine, you have to kill yourself on my behalf.”

50. Conversation

The woman said: “You are just lucky that you are not my husband. Otherwise, I would have poisoned you definitely.”

The man said: “You are so lucky that I have not married you. Otherwise, I would have poisoned myself and left you penniless.”

51. A Child's Room

“My child, don’t allow your friend to come to your room so often. I am afraid that he will steal away something from your room.”

“Mother, you are right. From now on I will not allow him to come into my room, but every day I shall go into his room. Let his mother start worrying.”

52. Theft

A young woman phoned up the police and said that she had lost her most expensive necklace. So the police started investigating. Half an hour later she phoned up the police and said that she had found her necklace inside her bedsheet. But the police said: “It is too late. We have already found two thieves. One has confessed and the other has returned your necklace. We are coming to give it to you.”

53. Two Friends

Two friends following two different spiritual paths met in the subway. One of them put his hand into the other’s pocket. His friend said: “What are you doing?”

“What? Do you want me to disbelieve my Master’s message?”

“What is your Master’s message?”

“My Master’s message is that we are all one, inseparably and eternally one. Therefore, when I put my hand into your pocket, I clearly felt that I was putting my hand into my own pocket.”

“You rogue! Do you want to hear my Master’s message?”

“What is your Master’s message?”

“My Master’s message is the message of perfection. You need perfection, and a smart slap from me will grant you that perfection.”

54. Who Are Your Good Disciples?

A spiritual Master was once asked by another spiritual Master a very simple question: “Tell me, who are your good disciples?”

The second spiritual Master said: “My good disciples are those who are very jealous.”

“Your jealous disciples are your good disciples? Then who are your best disciples?”

“My best disciples are those persons who are most jealous.”

The first spiritual Master said: “I don’t understand you. How can your most devoted, your best disciples be those who have the most jealousy?”

The Master replied: “Look, the disciples who are the most jealous are helping me kick the bucket, helping me to withdraw from the earth scene as soon as possible in utter disgust.”