Question: Guru, what is my worst enemy in my spiritual life?Sri Chinmoy: Your worst enemy is your tremendous sense of insecurity. Your conception of security is an achievement or a possession on the physical plane, vital plane or mental plane. But an abiding sense of security can never come from possession or from achievement. Impossible! Even the President of the United States who has the top position, who has everything, can be blown away at any second like a trembling leaf. Security comes only when you have established your constant oneness with your soul or with my soul. Since I am your spiritual Master, if you can identify yourself with my soul, security will come to you. Otherwise, this moment I may smile at you and extol you to the skies because you have done something very good, very great, but next moment, before you have taken two steps, you may think, "Oh, this time I have escaped. I did something wrong, but he did not catch me. He only saw one side of me, the side that is very bright and he has appreciated it like anything, but the other side, the mistake I made yesterday, he has not noticed. But tomorrow, if I don't please him with some great achievement, he will discover my mistake and scold me instead of praising me."
But if you had established your constant oneness with my soul you would feel that your life is an open book to me, but that I am a most compassionate reader. You will feel, "All right, this time he has appreciated me, but the thing that I have done wrong he also knows. If he scolds me, that is his duty; it is his bounden duty to perfect me." If you feel this, then insecurity goes away. A child is not insecure even if he knows that he is dirty. After all, it is the duty of his mother to look after him. Even if you have done something wrong, you have to feel that Guru will clean you; he will really illumine you. But if you feel that I won't do it, that you will have to take the responsibility of perfecting yourself, then you will always be insecure.
Another enemy of yours is your aggressive vital. Truth can be seen from three levels. You can see it from below, from above and from its own level. If you want to see the truth in your life, not anybody else's life, the best way is through your prayer, meditation and contemplation. Go above the truth, go one inch higher and see it from there. If you are on the top of the tree then it is very easy for you to see what is on the branches and what is below, on the ground. You can also come to a particular branch where you will have quite a good view of the top and the bottom of the tree and there you can also be satisfied to some extent. But if you remain at the bottom of the tree, you will not be able to see the top and you will not get any real satisfaction.
If you are at the top of the tree, it is up to you to come down and eat the fruit whenever you want to. When you are in the tree, at the level of the fruit, you can also enjoy it whenever you want to. But in your case what actually happens is that you do not climb up into the tree, not to speak of going to the top of the tree, and at the same time you want to possess the fruits. Without trying to make real inner progress, without trying to climb the tree from below you are trying to grab the fruits. Your main difficulty as I see it is that you just look at the fruit and you want to pull it down through your aggressive vital, by hook or by crook. But the fruit has its own height. It will not come down to you, and you will not climb up to it, so you are frustrated. Then eventually you say that it is useless to try to get it; it is not necessary or worthwhile. Then you don't even think of these divine fruits any more. You just lead your own undivine life.