Marriage problems never end part II10

Seventy years ago in an Indian village there lived a spiritual Master who had only thirty disciples. He divided them into six categories according to their spiritual standard. In each group there were both men and women.

One day a disciple belonging to the first group came to the Master crying and sobbing. The Master asked her, “Kaushiki, what is wrong with you? Why are you sobbing and weeping so pitifully?”

Kaushiki said, “Master, today my heart is all sincerity. Today my mind is all confession.”

“But you know that I am not a Christian priest,” said the Master. “I do not accept confessions. I do not believe in that kind of confession.”

“But Master, do you not believe in illumination?”

“Certainly I do.”

“Then, Master, please illumine me today.”

“By all means I shall illumine you. Tell me what you are suffering from.”

“Master, ten years ago I left my husband in order to run much faster in the spiritual life. My husband and I had tried to run together, but we could not run towards our Goal at the same speed. I do not blame him in any way; it simply did not work out well, although we tried in every possible way to run the fastest together. Very often you tell us, Master, that the life of marriage is a life of double strength and double capacity. Once two people get married they have four eyes, four hands, four legs — everything in double quantity. Together they can run faster towards the Goal. But unfortunately it sometimes happens that two of the four legs become weak or injured for no apparent reason. The two good legs may fully sympathise with the defective legs. But there comes a time when the good legs lose all their sympathy, concern and patience. They become disgusted at their deplorable situation and find it extremely difficult to stay with the defective legs. They feel that this experience of the union of two souls may delay their spiritual progress towards the ultimate realisation. So they decide that separation is by far the best, indeed the only solution, if they want to run towards their Goal rather than lead a life of stagnation.”

The Master said, “I am so proud of your wisdom, Kaushiki, but how is it that even now you are suffering? The wisdom that you have shared with me right now has fascinated my entire being. I am so pleased with you and so proud of you. But tell me, what is making you weep so bitterly? Tell me and let me see if I can be of any help to you.”

“Master, ten long years ago I left my husband, but even now I cannot forget him. Master, as you know I am in no way blaming my husband. When sad experiences of our joint life enter into my mind, my entire being shudders at the very idea of union. But what is actually bothering me now is a sense of guilt because my mind roams — consciously and unconsciously, in season and out of season — on other men. Now, when I am in a deep contemplative mood, I clearly see that my husband was in no way inferior to these men that I am now interested in. But when I am in an ordinary consciousness, when I am tempted by the world of desires and lose the sense of discrimination, I feel that the new will be far better than the old. No matter how good or superb the old may be, I cry for the new. But I know that the new need not always offer real fulfilment in life.”

“How is it, Master, that I cannot conquer my emotional heart and doubting mind, my destructive vital and lethargic body? At times I feel I can go on alone and run the fastest like a deer, and at times the whole world’s insecurity captures my heart, and I surrender helplessly to the world of emotion-flood.”

The Master blessed his close disciple and said, “I deeply appreciate and admire your sincerity. Now I wish to tell you one thing, my Kaushiki. It is true that you left your husband because you came to realise that you could go faster if you were left alone. That was your realisation, and I don’t deny it. It is also true that at times you don’t need anybody except your Inner Pilot, the Supreme. Am I correct?”

“Yes, Master, you are one hundred percent correct. There have been many times in my life during these last ten years when I have felt that I need only one person, who is my security, who is my all, and that is the Supreme Pilot inside my heart.”

The Master said, “Now I shall tell you why your suffering has not come to an end. Your suffering has not come to an end because your proud mind at times makes you feel that although you don’t need anybody, the world needs you. You don’t want to admire others because you feel you have more good qualities than they do. But secretly you want others to look at you and admire your beauty, your capacity, your love, your devotion, your surrender to God. On the one hand, it is beneath your dignity to be one with them and appreciate and love them. On the other hand, secretly, like a beggar, you are crying for their appreciation and admiration.

“I tell you, my daughter, in this world either you give and take or you don’t give and you don’t take. If you want appreciation and admiration from the world, if you feel that is the only way you can remain happy and make your life meaningful and fruitful, then you also have to give appreciation and admiration to the world. If, however, you do not want to give the world any of your appreciation, and, at the same time, you do not cry to have any appreciation from others, then you come to feel that God is all for you and you are all for God. You do not need any human being to give you joy or to receive joy from you. God only is your joy, and you are God’s joy. Then, I tell you, you will never suffer from temptation and frustration.

“There are two ways to reach the Goal: either through all-acceptance or through conscious, purified and illumined self-withdrawal, withdrawal from the sense world. Withdrawal does not mean self-destruction. It is only from emotional turmoil that we shall withdraw. Not out of fear, not out of disgust, not out of a sense of loss shall we withdraw, but out of a conscious, purified and illumined choice. This is one way to reach the Goal, and all-acceptance is the other. So, my daughter, make your choice.”

MSR 10. 22 January 1974

Sri Chinmoy, The Master surrenders, Vishma Press, New York, 1974