Question: When I come to the Centre I am attacked by doubts which I never have when I am at home. Why is this?Sri Chinmoy: When you enter the spiritual life, sometimes you see and feel many undivine qualities suddenly come to the fore. Some disciples ask their Masters, "How is it that I didn't have jealousy before? I didn't have this sense of insecurity, frustration and other things. Why am I getting them now?"
Before we entered the spiritual life we were all unconscious; the tiger in us was sleeping. But when the tiger sees that we are trying to leave its domain it says, "Where are you going? What right have you to leave me? I will devour you before you leave me." As long as the doubt-tiger is confident enough that you will stay with it all the time, it does not feel the necessity to threaten or frighten you. But when you start trying to come out of your bondage-cage, the ignorance-tiger tries to prevent you. It attacks you most vehemently with doubts and other undivine forces as soon as it feels that you are threatening to leave it. That is why you are attacked as soon as you come to the Centre to meditate. That is where the divine forces are strongest, so that is where the ignorance-tiger feels threatened by you.
Do not think that weaknesses and imperfections are coming to the fore in you just because you have accepted the spiritual life. On the contrary, they were there before, but they were hidden. You should be grateful to your spiritual life for bringing your imperfections to the fore. The sooner your imperfections come to the fore, the sooner you will be able to face them and conquer them. So when doubt and other imperfections attack you, you should say, "You have come. Now let me conquer you once and for all. Then I will be free."
Many disciples are perfect when they are at home, but the moment they come to the Centre, they become jealous or they start doubting themselves or their minds are filled with undivine thoughts. As soon as they look at me, inwardly they say, "Oh, I am cherishing such undivine thoughts!" They are afraid that I will see their undivine thoughts so they try to hide them, like a thief. But they should try to act like a child and not like a thief. The child is not ashamed when he is dirty. He just runs to his mother and she cleans him.
You are my spiritual children so you have to consciously throw your jealousy and undivine thoughts into me. Instead, you mistakenly say, "If I can hide my undivine thoughts, he won't see them. The next time I come perhaps they will be gone." This is absolutely absurd. Whenever you have wrong thoughts, try to empty them into me. If you think, "Oh, he is seeing how undivine I am," and you keep your garbage inside, how can I help you? I am ready to take your undivine thoughts. Just throw the ignorance-garbage into me. Unfortunately there are many disciples who come in front of me and struggle or try to hide. Don't struggle, don't hide. That is your best opportunity to throw these problems into me.
It is quite possible for a disciple to give up fear, doubt and jealousy all at once. Many people have done it. You simply have to know what you are going to get when you conquer these undivine qualities. Feel that you are going to get infinite Peace, Light and Bliss. Make this feeling a reality. Feel that you are rejecting one thing, and accepting something else. Say to yourself, "If I conquer my doubt, jealousy and insecurity, I will get everything in boundless measure." Naturally, you will try to get the thing which is most fulfilling, the thing you are crying for in your life of aspiration.