Question: Why do I sometimes want to run away from the spiritual life?Sri Chinmoy: Everything depends on love. Some people love insecurity itself. Although they say they hate doubt, some people love doubt because inwardly, perhaps unconsciously, they cherish doubt. They feel that they cannot be wise unless they are doubting. They judge everyone and everything. The moment we doubt someone, we feel that we are a step higher than they are. But in the spiritual life, this is absolutely wrong. The moment we doubt someone, we just fall down the tree of the spiritual life.
Let us say you doubt your own capacity. When you doubt your own capacity, please feel that at that time you cannot be at the top of the tree. On the contrary, you are cutting down your own tree. So when you think of the spiritual life, if you are not sure, if you are afraid to enter into it wholeheartedly, then feel that on the other hand the outer world cannot really satisfy you or anybody else. One day, after you have had a very good meditation, try to identify yourself with others who are not aspiring, such as your friends or so-called friends, who are here or elsewhere. At that time, feel that you are like a magnet and try to pull them. Then you will see that what they have is all frustration. Some of them may be very rich and prosperous, some may have big families, but what they all have is frustration. You do not have thousands or millions of dollars; you do not have a lot of friends or a large family, but you are the happiest person. What has made you happy? Your aspiration and meditation.
Everybody is crying for one thing: happiness. A child wants to be happy. An old man wants to be happy. But why is it that this old man and this child are not happy? The child would not be happy even if you placed before him all the toys and dolls in the world. Immediately he would like one toy and then the next moment he would just throw it away. Now the old man has got many things from life. He wanted millions of things, but perhaps he only got ten or twenty of them. Even then, he is not at all happy. Some people got everything that they wanted from life. Perhaps God fulfilled ten thousand of their desires. But still, they are not happy because there is no end to their desires.
In your case, you are afraid that the truth, the light that you have accepted has not accepted you. This is your main problem. You have accepted me as your Master, but you are not sure whether I have accepted you wholeheartedly or not. You appreciate my spiritual qualities; so now you have to feel that I also appreciate your good qualities. That is why you have responded with your spiritual qualities. I have accepted you. That is why I show you my concern, love and blessings, and that is why you are showing me your love and concern in respond. So please feel that acceptance has come from me in the first place. My acceptance of you was destined. I accept very few as my disciples. It is not important who comes to me, but whom I accept. I may come to your house, but you may not accept me as your Master. Again, you may come to my place and I may not accept you. But you have to feel that the first acceptance comes from the Master and not from the disciple. The seeker tells the Master outwardly, "I want to be your disciple." But the Master is a tricky man. Before he has even seen or spoken to the seeker, he has accepted or rejected him. When you feel that the Master accepted or rejected you before you even opened your mouth, then the problem is solved.
If you give service in some way, then your Master has already served you. The disciple should feel that just because the Master has shown him divine love and inner light, that is why he is able to offer the Master his aspiring love. I have done the very thing that you are doing for me and much more in infinite measure. When it is a matter of concern, love, service and everything, then there is no comparison between my offering and your offering. You have accepted me as your Guru; I have accepted you as my disciple. This is our mutual acceptance. The moment you feel that my acceptance of you is much more sincere, much stronger and more fulfilling than your acceptance of me, then all your problems are solved.