Part IV — Problems of discipleship
Question: How can we not think about ourselves first?Sri Chinmoy: How can you not think of yourself first? That is a good question. But I tell you, if you find it difficult not to think of yourself, no harm. Only do not think of some other girls or boys and do not become jealous of them. The best thing is to think of God. If you find it difficult, then think of yourself. But if that is not possible, then that is really deplorable. Don't think of others' achievements or others' imperfections.
Now, how can you not think of yourself? You have thought of yourself for the last twenty-three years. By thinking of yourself what have you got? You have become a college graduate and you have a career, that is all. All right, you almost have your Master's degree. But your spiritual brother who is next to you also has his Master's degree. Why is he crying for something else? Is he satisfied with his Master's degree? If you ask him, he will say, "No, no, no." He is not satisfied. He wants something else. Now think of somebody who has his Ph.D. or somebody who is really a great scholar. It may happen that that person actually wants the spiritual life like Dr. Radhakrishnan, who was the President of India. Again, there have been many great scholars who didn't enter into the spiritual life. They cared only for books, books, books. If you enter into these scholars with your own aspiration, you will feel that in this incarnation, although you are only twenty-three years old, you have already got much more joy than they have. If you think of the prayer and meditation that you have done for the last three or four years, you will see that you have received much more joy in the inner worlds. Although you have been jealous of others or some people have said nasty things to you, when you think of your own inner life you will see that you have got at least ten times the real joy, peace, love or light. The depth, the profundity, the intensity of peace that you have felt even for a fleeting second, those scholars or very intellectual people have not felt. I tell you, they have read millions of books, they have written hundreds of books, but the intense joy, the sublime joy of peace that you have felt, if even for a fleeting second in these three years, these so-called scholars have not felt. This I am telling you on the strength of my own realisation. My realisation knows how much joy or how much peace these so-called scholars have got. They have mental satisfaction and they have illumined the world with their mental capacity, let us say; but your inner joy, which is of the heart, can house and feed the entire universe, while their mental achievement can't do it. Mental achievement will not be able to feed even the scholar himself. The person who has got tremendous mental achievement will not be able to feed himself for even a second.
So, by achieving things on the physical plane, on the vital plane or on the mental plane, you can never be satisfied. You are proud of yourself because you have got this degree, which was necessary, absolutely necessary in your case. I told you to study and you did it. But you have to know that here on earth, nothing you get will give you abiding satisfaction. You say, "I want this," but after you get it you see that it does not give you satisfaction. Finally there comes a time when you say, "I have tried in my own way, with my mind's limited capacity. Now let me make surrender to the Will of God, to the Will of the Supreme. Since I have tried my best and I have got the things that I wanted and even then I am not getting lasting satisfaction, let me do something else. Let me ask God to do everything for me. Let Him think of me. I have thought of myself so much. Now I have seen that it is not giving me real joy. Whatever I have asked for, I have received; but I am not getting any lasting satisfaction." That is the time for you to pray to God, to pray to the Supreme and let Him think of you. Say to God, "I have thought of myself; I have made a fool of myself. Now I am praying to you to think of me." At that time God will think of you.
If you allow God to think of you, God is always ready to think of you. But as soon as He comes near you to think of you, He sees that you are already occupied in thinking of others or thinking of yourself. God is a gentleman. If you don't allow Him to enter into you, then He won't break open the door. He may knock at your door; that much He will do, but He won't break the door. He will see that either you have already invited your friends and you have bolted the door or you are all alone and you don't want to have any visitors.
Always feel what you have achieved by thinking of yourself and what you can achieve by thinking of God, by thinking of the Supreme. The best thing is to meditate on Him, through surrender, through devotion and through love; to pray to Him to think of you. He is already doing it, but you have to become conscious of the fact that He is thinking of you. Right now you are under the impression that I think of you once in six months. If you imagine that I think of you only once in six months, then how can you make progress? But if you think, "Every day Guru meditates on me," then you will make the fastest progress. The best thing is to feel: "Since he is a spiritual Master, let us believe him when he says that he has quite a few emanations, quite a few representatives. As he is the representative of the Supreme for us, he also has quite a few inner beings, hundreds of inner beings. Let us believe him. He has kept at least one inner being for me, to meditate for me, to think of me." If you have that kind of faith that I am not fooling you, I am not deceiving you, you will make very good progress. Instead of thinking that I think of you only once in six months, once in a blue moon, if you can think that at least once a day I think of you, then you are bound to make progress. Again, if you think that every hour I think of you then you can make very good progress. The next step is to think, "Every minute he has someone to think of me. His physical mind may not be at all aware of it, but who cares for the physical mind?" Just feel that I have inside me hundreds and millions of inner beings. These inner beings I call emanations. I have many divine soldiers within me, so one of them is always taking care of you. If you have that kind of feeling, then you can make the fastest progress.
The disciples who make the fastest progress are those who think that I think of them more, infinitely more, than they think of me. If they think that I think of them only once in two months and they think of me every minute, every second of their lives, then they are fooling themselves. Nobody is thinking of me that much. But if somebody can feel that I think of him much more than he thinks of me, if not all the time, then he is not deceiving himself. Perhaps the mind does not allow you to feel that I am thinking of you at every moment. You think, "He is now eating, he is not thinking of me. He is now running, he is not thinking of me." But if you feel that, "He has many beings. His physical being may be running, but his inner being is thinking of me," then what you feel is absolutely true for each of those who have accepted me wholeheartedly, who are my real disciples. In your case, you are a real disciple of mine, and you also have one of my inner beings. Like that, all those who are my real disciples do have one. My physical mind may not be at all aware of what you are doing. I need not be aware; it is not necessary at all. If you can make yourself feel that I think of you infinitely more than you think of me, then your progress is bound to be the fastest.